Mine and rival dad's backyards meet together and when I mow first I mow a nice neat line across. If he mows first? That ass-turd doesn't do a straight line and just leaves his turns cut in it so I have grooves all the way down. There's going to be a murder.

'wait until your 50s!'
'wait until your 60s!'

I am Susan. That's literally what aging is. We're all waiting. Stfu and let me enjoy now.

I have seen countless videos and posts from parents talking about how they don’t have kids that hide things from them and when you’re a good parent your kids don’t hide things from you.

So yeah, I feel like a shit parent.

My 7yo give the best burns to the whole family.

7yo: do you have a girlfriend
15yo: nope
7yo: oof must suck

Having 3 kids really screws you on buy 1 get 1 half off deals. I should have planned better.

me: ill always love you

7: yeah same, especially when you’re dead

me:

7: what? i’ll visit your grave every day!

mid life crisis? bro ive been in crisis since 13 ok

What’s your favorite eclipse conspiracy theory so far?

Over the weekend my youngest turned 8years old! I started posting funny quotes from her when she was around 3.

Time flies

it’s all fun and games til the good knee gives out

My wife and I are currently on day three of a silent argument of who is going to clean the lasagna pan that's soaking next to the sink.

me: uhhh what did you do?

9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!

Moto for the day:
I’m not a raccoon I don’t love trash

my 7 year old came home from school and told me she learned online safety including not to click links that people you don’t know send you

because you might end up with a fungus

SALT CHIP CHALLENGE!!

omg.

#saltchipchallenge

14: can I see your phone to check YOUR screen time today

me: no we're not doing that.

My wife thought there was a mouse in our room right before I fell asleep last night. This allowed me to have a giant nightmare of a rat the size of a dog chasing me all over a house all night. I think she did that on purpose.

Happy Easter!