exec: so she fucks the bee

creator: haha what no not at all

exec:

creator: *under breath* she definitely thinks about it tho

crazy how ur appendix is just like i simply do not vibe with u anymore

hey remember when shrek used his giant green hands to take the helmet off his giant green head and fiona was shocked to find out he was an ogre

bartender: can i tell u about this IPA

me: i’m a 26 year old white male

bartender: [nervous] c-can u tell me about this IPA

me: eat this food

baby: never

me: the food is now an airplane

baby: “never” was a strong word

coors: our beer is different. it’s cold

me: the other beers are cold too

coors: how can u be sure

me: they’re in refrigerators

coors: yet their cans have remained the same color. seems very suspicious

[outside a cage the elephant show]

|￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣|
| FREE HIM |
|＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿|
\ (•_•) /
\ /
---
| |

billy joel: she’s an uptown girl

me: where has she been living

billy joel: ur not gonna believe this

some guy a long time ago: it’s my birthday

friends: nice. what if we all sang u a song about it while we all stare at u

guy: i would hate it

friends: oh ya we would too

guy: perfect. let’s do that forever

how was “philosopher” ever a job lmao like was socrates sippin wine on a balcony somewhere drunkenly slurring shit like “to find urself, think for urself” with a crowd cheering underneath him like fuck yes socrates another banger this man will not miss

rose: yes, i was on the titanic

guy: great. where is this diamond

rose: first i will tell u about this boy

guy: no can u just tell us-

rose: best sex of my life. easily.

simba: my uncle murdered my dad

pumbaa: sheesh

simba: then he blamed me for it

timon: yikes. have u tried just not fucken worrying about it lmao

me: wow it smells like upmandoyouneedahug in here lol

coworker: what

me: [tearing up] nothing

greek architect: u know what would make this building fucken slap

assistant:

architect:

assistant: are u gonna say p-

architect: [nods] pillars. like, a hundred fucken pillars

congress: many of u are saying ur taxes should be “easy” to file. for this issue we will now ask the experts

turbotax: no

congress: the experts have spoken