me: I'm not old

also me: *realizes the number of meteorologists I follow on facebook is not zero*

In our 20s, we had book clubs. In our 50s, it’s elderly parents support groups.

Sorry I was late I was refilling my purse Ibuprofen with my bathroom Ibuprofen.

Are you even checking the hummingbird migration map everyday, bro?

Bosses all over the land today: 'enjoy your emotional support paycheck'

No one:

My cat at 4:12 am: These curtains are stupid, I’m taking them down

It turns out there isn’t a Sora in my backyard even though the Merlin sound app identified my neighbor’s cat as such. So much disappointment.

me: i deserve a treat

bank account: for the love of god pls stop

i feel like the internet deserves pedro pascal as desserts: a thread

Nothing brightens my day like a meeting being cancelled, and all the information that would have been covered is emailed instead

Turns out “possession is 9/10 of the law” does not apply to your tween, you do have to pick them up from school, they do not belong to the teacher

My washing machine claiming it only has 1 minute left is why I have trust issues

Dropping a kid at a grandparent’s is like taking a car into the mechanic, you drop them because they’re driving you crazy and when you pick them up the grandparents are like: I don’t know what the problem is, your child is a perfect angel…for me

Revive a dying pool party by performing an act of cannonballism

There should be a witness protection program from work photos.

Why does this tiramisu look like it's going to eat rather than be eaten?

“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”

[me being waterboarded]

'gross is this Dasani?'

Florida’s state bird has been acting typically Florida today outside my window.

Spring haiku:

The birds yell CHIRP CHIRP
It is four in the morning
SHUT UP STUPID BIRDS