My washing machine claiming it only has 1 minute left is why I have trust issues

My 5yo named her two favourite toys ‘Beefacus’ and ‘Real Dave’ so I think she should just name all newborns from now on

my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed

Just canceled the subscription for my kid’s picky eater vitamins and you’ll never guess why

73% of parenting is telling your kids to ask their mother.

My wife’s love language is rage cleaning our home.

Person: [Calls from an unknown number]

Me: If it was important, they'd leave a message.

Person: [Leaves message]

Me: Yeah, lol I'm not listening to that.

Them: I'm having vegan for lunch.

Hannibal Lecter: What a coincidence.

Ibuprofen, coffee and my kids left over toast for breakfast sums up my experience of adulthood

You can't control everything that happens in life.
My hair reminds me of that.

Some days, I eat a salad for lunch. And others, I have bacon cheddar dip with crackers followed by some candy. It's called balance.

I have always smuggled snacks into movie theatres like I’m pulling off an elaborate heist without ever considering that a teenager working for minimum wage couldn’t care less that I brought my own sour patch kids

Don’t worry about me spilling the tea. Spilling the coffee, however, is a given especially when wearing a new top.

'It has too many sides' and other reasons my kid won't eat what I gave them

Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?

Me: yeahhh... it's called curly hair

No one:

4: *coughing* The germs are coughing me.

If I were to do a mad lib with my 3yo he would choose the word butthole to fill every blank

Have kids so your younger son can be legit jealous and upset that he doesn’t get to have B.O. like his older brother.

What are you doing if you're avoiding life AND social media? It really puzzles me

Dunkin' destroyed centuries of innovation because some marketing nerd couldnt spell doughnut.