forgot to leave a plate of dirt out for earth last night.

Them: you smell nice

Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve

Me: *being lowered into grave*

My kids: Can you take us to McDonald’s?

me and my bestie watching your tik toks

buying a black goldfish. naming him swim shady.

the moment you try to make eye contact with someone else at a party:

me trying to get healthy quickly:

if you don’t have homemade, store-bought is fine.

i mean, i have a name—geez.

is penis, ok?

i hate it when my husband and i have stuff in common. like, stuff was my thing first. stop trying to ruin stuff for me.

they should invent a rest for the wicked

*overhears someone talking shit about me*

oh, I couldn’t agree more.

Please respect my privacy during this time*

*eating in my parked car

What’s up with movie theaters encouraging us to fuck the popcorn

Me as a dad

animal husbandry wasn’t what I thought it was, you guys.

also, anyone know how to legally divorce a goat in the state of new york?

Sorry I'm late. I had to scroll to my birth year on an app.

me: hey can I read that recipe

internet: here's a video of how to make it

me: can I just read it

internet: WATCH THE VIDEO

Tbh, bro, my fancy has never been less tickled.