the best part about being in your mid 30s is getting pimples in your wrinkles

I’m writing a plus-size kung fu movie called Kung Fupa

I’ll be at Dallas Comedy Club all weekend, come out!
dallas-comedyclub.com/shows/

Tour starts next week! Tickets for these March shows are all on sale. See you out there!

I thought I smelled french toast but I was really just having a french stroke

A Laser Show plug?? Philly Punchline rocketing up the rankings of my fav clubs. See you May 19!

happy valentine's day everyone here's a sweet and loving TOUR ANNOUNCEMENT. The Party Angel Tour kicks off next month. See you on the road!

Tickets for all these shows in Feb/March are on sale! Go to ryanoflanagan dot com. See you out there!

It’s been so beautiful out in LA it makes me wish my life was going better generally

my password is 'password' but it's actually a tribute to my pa's sword

the only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy to give him a little kiss

One time in 1st grade my parents didn’t know I was going to a friends house and they thought I was missing and called the cops. And while my mom was crying to the police in our driveway, my neighbor Trevor came over and asked if they never found me if he could have my Pogs

my mom roots for the chiefs now because i met mahomes once and he was nice to me

“Bryce Young is too short to see over the line” well the solution seems clear to me. Sign a bunch of very short linemen

i like my girl to have a little more cushion for the pushin if you know what i mean (an extensive collection of whoopie cushions)

I think at my next show I’m gonna ask a couple how long they’ve been together. This will be my thing. No one else do it

🎶ALL I DO IS WIN WIN WIN
NO MATTER WHAT
EXCEPT FOR WHEN I LOSE
WHICH IS MORE OFTEN THAN NOT🎶

My daily wellness routine

Got rid of all my fruit and still the fruit flies remain. Literally a fruitless endeavor

every christmas my family roasts chestnuts over an open fire. And then we just eat a shit ton of chestnuts. Probably 2-3 thousand chestnuts