my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed

Who called them OJ conspiracies and not Pulp Fiction

Singing 'Oops...I Did It Again', but it's just about me eating my lunch before 10AM

Me: [bursting into tears at the Golden Corral lunch buffet] I’ve just never seen so much flank steak

My husband has some nerve commenting on my grey hair like he isn’t the cause at least half of them

lunch time or what i like to call sitting in my car and listening to true crime for thirty minutes.

Kicked off another flight for trying to start the 'give us a barrel roll!' chant

Them: I'm having vegan for lunch.

Hannibal Lecter: What a coincidence.

Them: There’s too much sugar in everything; we all need to cut back.

Food show hosts: Now there’s so much acid in the stomach you need this handful of sugar to tone it down.

Thinking I might get a little wild and crazy and change my work email font

Why would I rather call this office 10 times than leave one voicemail for them to call me back?

Dunkin' destroyed centuries of innovation because some marketing nerd couldnt spell doughnut.

A new study says to improve sleep, we should stay off social media when we go to bed. I read about the study scrolling X around 3am.

My 7yo give the best burns to the whole family.

7yo: do you have a girlfriend
15yo: nope
7yo: oof must suck

I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first

Follow me for tips on how to get a sunburn, ONLY on your neck.

people will adopt another cat instead of going to therapy

people like me

Some days you feel like you’re nailing parenting and some days Grade 3 math homework exposes your worst self.

*drunkest I’ve ever been*

I need to steal the Declaration of Independence.

Do not, under any circumstances, attempt to rock someone like a wagon wheel.