[getting dragged out of the aquarium again for trying to teach one of the rays to sing] I WON'T ABANDON YOU, SKATY PERRY

Rain is just water that hasn’t joined a bowling league yet

I’m sorry your significant other raises the roof after chugging a White Claw.

“We livin in the moment, Triscuit,” she McConaugheyd.

Can't tell if I'm becoming more poetic or if this is early onset dementia

Putting on a vr helmet while I’m already inside virtual reality so I can glimpse a new lucky charms marshmallow

Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.

Her: Just say you filled the dog's water bowl.

My friend Sarah, Sar for short, has been making amends.
I gotta say Sar atonin' makes me happy

If your internet recipe doesn't have the 'Jump to Recipe' option, I'm moving on to another recipe.

one time i tripped on my infinity scarf & fell into wormhole & the next thing i knew i was sneak-drinking a near-beer in my basement in a parallel universe that had forty utahs

Got banned for life from McDonald's for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel

No I won’t play along when a child is pretending. “Oh, the phone is for me? Reality check, idiot. That’s a banana.”

If you die at Coachella, Lana Del Rey absorbs your life force to write another song about really, really sexy depression.

There’s a puka shell necklace in my closet that talks to me like the Green Goblin mask.

Adult hide and seek game... except you just wish them luck and don't go and find them

Your apathy towards GI Joe memorabilia is killing this relationship.

Welp, I'm up. Guess I'll start belting out the Love Boat theme.
-Birds

Rap’s like a sandwich it needs more beef

You'd never know it was Pathologists’ Assistants Day. It's totally dead.

A Bobcat Goldthwait white noise machine would fix me.