I have 100 cookbooks written by real chefs and cooks but instead every night I Google “food weeknight dinner fast” and make a recipe from a blog I will never visit again called like Parsnips and Cowlicks or Girl With a Spatula or Hearts of Pam

wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, 'hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it's empty. what do i do?' and poison control is basically like, 'do they seem fine?' like i could have called any boomer.

Undercover clowns could be everywhere we don’t know

1/
“Can I run something by you?”

It was Saturday. I was already gone. She was still on the ward. I didn’t respond to that text. Instead, I called her directly.

Me: “Hey.”
Her: “I’m so sorry to bother you, Dr. Manning.”
Me: “Never be sorry.”

*silence*

Me: “I’m all ears.'

“i was a less tired person when i made them” is a valid excuse for canceling plans

I would like things to spiral into control once in a while.

Y'all, I'm providing teletherapy and my dog joined the session to side eye my clinical judgment 😭

I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex

And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double

So when do you think your OCD tendencies first began.

Me:

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: I won’t eat this piece of apple because it has skin on it.

I don't know who needs to hear this, but sometimes it's okay to just throw the Tupperware away instead of cleaning out what's inside of it.

I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.

hey sorry i didn't respond i started cooking a recipe that said it would take 30 minutes and it actually took 40 years

6: You’re never gonna guess what happened at school today!

Me: What?!

6: Everyone had a water bottle except me and the teacher had to send an email home

Me: I probably could have guessed that

Science girl She admired the baby and had to go get her own baby awww 🥰 ❤️❤️

date: your glasses make you look smart

me: well i had to fail a test to get them so

my 11 year old has become too cool to say he loves us but today we were watching a video of how a young man gave his life saving his mom and without skipping a beat this kid turns to me and says

“I’d do that mom, I’d save you”

needless to say, my heart exploded

Body: it’s sleepy time.

Brain: it’s thinky time.

me: dating is hard

me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid

Only a matter of time before my electric bill asks me to select a tip amount.