'IT'S THE FUCKING GUNS!'

You do see a lot of women living extremely lavishly off the proceeds of accusing a man of sexual assault don’t you

i say “i’m gonna treat myself” way too much for someone who rarely denies themselves anything

When the penalty for aborting after rape is more severe than the penalty for rape, that's when you know it's a war on women

there’s fuckin aliens and I’m still afraid to ask out my crush??? aliens. dead aliens just out on the tarmac and I’m all boo hoo too scary to dm a literal MAN

TSA just fyi you’re supposed to update this to the porno symbol

Just to be clear, the Secret Service has been forever stained by their insidious plot to erase all Jan 6 texts due to their involvement in insurrection, so if both Major Biden and Commander Biden are biting SS agents, there’s a reason and I’m trusting dogs because they know.

me hearing the ufo news

if we have to send a human representative to meet the aliens personally i think it should be gwyneth paltrow

we need an oppenheimer movie about the guy who invented the crunchwrap supreme

Elon’s story is an inspiring reminder that as long as your dad owns an apartheid emerald mine, you too can become the biggest loser on earth

Every job application should have to ask 'When would be a good month to release a Haunted Mansion movie?' and if you say 'July' you do not get the job.

My sister just saw Oppenheimer and something went wrong and half the screen was pink for the last 20 minutes of the movie so she got the true Barbenheimmer experience

Has anybody noticed that Oppenheimer is low key dark and edgy af while Barbie is lighthearted and fun, making for a playful dichotomy at the box offices

So dehumanising writing a little blurb about yourself to the AirBnb host when u request a booking. Please sir let me pay a weeks wages so I can stay in your lodgings. I am but a humble, boring man, I am quiet as a mouse. I have no fun or disruptive friends. I love landlords ❤️

me spending my own money: ATTENZIONE PICKPOCKET ‼️

I don’t think it should ever be hot outside

Let me clear something up for the men of Twitter:

Jonah Hill wasn’t *actually* offering to leave the relationship. If Sarah Brady had agreed it was best to part ways, he would have changed tactics to try to get the outcome he wanted.

That’s how ultimatums in abuse work.

There’s not a woman alive reads those Jonah Hill texts and doesn’t immediately recognize the game he’s playing. It’s fucking depressing in its universality.