Bruce Wayne: I'm going to become a vigilante and fight crime using a pseudonym.

Alfred: A better idea would be to use your vast wealth and work with communities, tackling crime before it can start. By giving young people oppor-

Bruce: I will call myself Batman!

When someone is a dick to you, just remember they are probably hurting inside.

You can use that to destroy them.

they’re called hooves, dummy🙄

Mario: *covered in shit* Wrong pipe

Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I've done it. Nope. It's still in my mouth.

Morpheus: You probably aren't the One.

Barber: Do you want to see the back?

Me: Sure

*2 minutes later*

Barber: So, this is the staff room.

[not too distant future]

TEACHER: Please turn to page 400,976 of your 2020 History book

ME: You gonna finish that?

SURGEON: If you lay the fuck back down I will

ME: I'll see you in a month
WIFE: Don't forget to write
ME: It's highly unlikely I'd forget such a basic skill, Sharon

In other news the S Club 7 reunion has been postponed again.

[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right

Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can't see you anymore. I won't let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.

just sneezed into the crook of my arm to protect you all EVEN THOUGH I LIVE ALONE AND YOU PEOPLE ARE NOT EVEN REAL you're welcome

There's no Klingon word for virgin. If you speak Klingon, it's implied

Is anyone ever going to make a movie about a drug deal that went *right*!?

me: i miss swimming pools

lifeguard: yea [bandaging my smashed skull] i've never seen such an atrocious dive

Snakes make perfect pets because when they die, rather than grieving you'll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief.

The week in Tory (Cummings special):

1. Dominic Cummings, one of the few men to have ever been found in contempt of Parliament, moved onto contempt for everything

2. When the story broke, and he was accused of doing things that look bad, he said he didn't care how things looked

Me: I need a loan to start a new business.

Bank manager: We are currently offering 0% interest.

Me: Great. So, my business idea-

Bank manager: Like I said, I'm really not interested.