there are over 7 billion people on this planet and I can only handle 5 of you

I’ve decided to take better care of myself so I live long enough to collect his life insurance

My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it's right there

I just made 13 right turns so I wouldn't have to make a left onto a busy 4 lane highway.

Dick so big he doesn't even need to go on social media and tell women how ugly and dumb they are

The resemblance is uncanny.....

How do I unlock that level where I don’t have to make dinner anymore?

did you ever try to hit a button on your phone and it doesn’t work so you change fingers? Or is it just me?

I’m making a sunflower afghan for my daughter’s birthday next month. I’ve crocheted 8 sunflowers so far. Only 132 left to do 🙄

I suppose PECKER SCREWS TRUMP wouldn’t work as a headline?

ngl the new Batman looks amazing.

Bryan Adams' 'Summer of '69' is my favourite song that I don't think is about 1969

The saying 'fortune favours the brave' was clearly created back before we had to decide whether to answer phone calls from unknown numbers

no. put it back

no. put it back

no. put it back

no. put it back

no. put it back

— me practicing to take 5 YO to Walmart

“I’m so sick and tired of this bloody mat”

did they count the piece of rice while writing the description for this rice rice rice rice rice rice cook?

The truth is out there but I’m too busy hiding from the aliens to find out

Last chance (for awhile) to grab these awesome books for free. Email [email protected] for details.

imagine resenting an imaginary friend as you imagined him to be cooler than you, that wouldn't happen, right?
*'yet here we are'*
'no one asked you, chad'