Man: asks me to be exclusive.

Me, 2yrs later: wait, was he flirting with me?

Not saying I'm overwhelmed, but if 8 of you could come over and just load everything in my life into a truck then set that truck aflame I would be appreciative.

I listened to a tragically hip song the other day, I am now officially Canadian

Shocked pikachu face that women are choosing the bear

Just boil me til desired tenderness baby

The office has a real 'the floggings will continue until morale improves' vibe these days and it's going as well as one would expect

I thought a pole straightener was what they called your Aunt Linda

I reserve my fucking very limited brain space for the best fucking moments with the best fucking people...no energy to hate or hold fucking grudges

If you know how to add a drainage hole, you can turn anything into a planter. This could be an old candleholder, a tea tin, your mom, anything

Sorry for making you sext with a cartoon avi of Entrapta

The rock intro music to 'How to Replace Front Sway Bar Link 2001-2005 Ford Explorer Sport Trac' didn't need to go that hard.

I could never live in the south because I’m far too lazy to shave my legs 365 days a year.

I fucking love being with someone I'm in fucking love with and all the corny fucking lovey-dovey shit that comes with it

if a baby octopus no bigger than a grain of rice can survive the ocean all by itself, surely i can navigate a mall parking lot.

You can't hurt me. You're not my general assumption that most people are decent and kind.

“I'm worth it' I whisper as I take a multivitamin for the first time in weeks

If I lived to be 200 I'd still be calling it twitter

I guess I just have a gambler's soul, I say as I buy avocados from the produce markdown rack

I told you to install security cameras, you installed wind chimes, put that in the police report

I leave him alone now otherwise I'd be sliding into his DMs with facts about the use of carrier Pidgeons in WW2. Like a normal woman. Standard stuff