The curse of the Bambino is 100% real. Apparently every single one of Babe Ruth’s teammates died.

I WANT TO MAKE A SEQUEL TO ROBOCOP, WHERE HIS TECHNOLOGY IS OBSOLETE, SO HE'S GATHERING DUST IN THE BASEMENT WITH FAX MACHINES AND PRINTERS. THEN SOMEONE HACKS THE NEW AWESOME ROBOCOPS, AND THEY NEED TO TURN HIM BACK ON.

Looking back, I should have been more mischievous

Earth day is just a made up holiday to sell more planets.

Fascinating to watch Netflix become a dumping ground for other failed streaming projects

For Earth Day, I’m going to get the Earth a great big cake.

When was the last time you fed your tamagotchi?

I didn’t spend all afternoon assembling a basketball hoop just so my kid could shoot around for 10 minutes before announcing he was bored but apparently that’s exactly what I did.

For all the times I've told the server 'when,' I feel like I've never really nailed it.

I don't know why you'd need an outdoor pizza oven but I guess it's your money

$800 tablet so he can play junky games with endless ads for other junky games. UGH!

The tray should also be made of cheese.

Youth travel sports are cults.

this beer tastes like my wife is gonna pissed about my snoring all night

[calling 911] Yes, I’d like to report a vehicle for being hilarious.

I promise you she’s many times more annoying than even the most annoying child.

BREAKING: Child finds missing socks in sock drawer.

[2010]

Guy in my Dorm: Who do you listen to?

Me: Death Cab, The Killers, The Knife, Massive Attack,

Guy in my Dorm: Wow that sounds pretty hardcore.

Me: Yeah, it is