My biggest fear as a voter? The government mandates that everyone must always be carrying a big plastic beam

1. Tax increases to manufacture the beams
2. Costly to hire inspectors who check everyone is carrying their beam
3. Someone might steal my beam

This better not happen 😡

shoutout to the top 5 clips of all time: hair, film, roach, paper, and e

︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎

what goes on here?

Al Pacino and AI Pacino are virtually indistinguishable.

Florida marketplace wants me to fry someone 👀 $100 for an electric chair

I’m at WAFFLE SQUARF do y’all want anything

ON SALE THIS WEEK:

- Jimmy Eat Wood
- Parafloor
- My Chemical Remnants
- Floor Out Boy
- The Promise Rug
- Floorboard Confessional

They'll reboot everything but The Love Boat wtf

The Red Oak Restaurant in Glendale Heights has added Sanka to the dinner menu. Enjoy with the melodic sounds of the Hank Lombardi Trio but not this week because Hank is down in West Palm Beach

one time two mormon missionaries tried to sell me an iguana & they told me the reason they couldn’t keep him was because he was a member of the branch davidians & his particular dogma didn’t jibe with their temple garment theory

When we had our third child I bought a jet pack. It’s very safe and built like a tank.

We always had sedans and crossovers which provide little chance to spit on the people.

The lives of my children are too important to risk to another driver.

i wish i could forget all about my torrid affair with mary todd lincoln but i'm reminded of it every time i have to buy something that costs five dollars

LIVE
LAUGH
LINT ROLL

Gladys Knight and the Pips
Enjoyed chips and dips
While on board a ship
Under a solar eclipse

[last night]

My dad: If you wake up before us, hit the bold button and then the brew button to make coffee.
Me: Ok, got it.
My dad: I can show you
Me: Really, I got it. I have the same machine at home.

[this morning]

“I am simply too smart to be scammed into doing something harmful to myself” I type into the app I open 20 times a day despite it only bringing me rage and depression for 7 years.

Vintage lozenge collectors are always on the lookout for a 1920s era Smith Bros. cough drop in mint condition. Haha — MINT! That’s a vintage lozenge collector’s joke.

You've got a pasta car
I've got a fork that we can share

[poorly lit restaurant]

me: I can't see the menu

wife: just ask the waiter to bring some candles

me: no I want food