Borrowing a book from a friend and not returning it should affect your credit score

ME: omg I have SO much to do

ALSO ME ALMOST IMMEDIATELY:

When I’m already having a bad day and my shirt gets snagged on a door handle

Welp they finally found a way to suck the joy out of coffee so it’s been fun I guess

I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever

Don’t tell me to make myself comfortable unless you want me to leave

Science question: are cats a liquid?

My day to day vibe can loosely be described as “I don’t understand why these waiters all seem so busy there’s like nobody else here”

These new Yeezys are 🔥

ME: hey can you make some of those happy brain chemicals like we used to have back in the day?

BRAIN: absolutely not

MY DOG: well what if I sit here with my sweet little face and cross my paws in front of me like a proper gentleman?

BRAIN: then omg yes

It doesn’t matter if you’re 7 or 37, if you sit down in the middle of the cereal aisle and scream loud enough, someone WILL come along and put you in the back seat of a car until you calm down

I did not enjoy my time in the food service industry, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss having my very own walk-in cooler to cry in, sticking your head in the fridge just doesn’t hit the same

BIG BIRD: feelings are okay!

THE COUNT: let’s learn about math!

ELMO: I love you the way you are!

OSCAR: omg leave me alone before I puke

When I say I’m “running errands” I mean I’m too busy not wanting to do the thing you’re about to ask me to do to do the thing you’re about to ask me to do

Sometimes the funniest shit I’ll see all day with just be some random person’s Twitter handle

They should honestly use WTP to teach kids about mental health this gang is like an animated adaptation of the DSM lol

Hey while you’re at it don’t look directly at me either today

Hey can we all agree to just STFU during this eclipse? Four minutes of the big light being switched off and blessed silence? I really need this.

Look, I’m sorry but dogs are NOT the same as children. I usually really like other people’s dogs.

It’s been so so long since I’ve been invited over to somebody’s house to play video games