Someone asked me if I was a cheerleader in high school and I laughed so hard I snorted.

I cannot stress this enough, I will never have the urge to use a hotel's complimentary gym when I'm on vacation.

I would like things to spiral into control once in a while.

When I got married my friends asked if she was taking my name and I had to tell them it would be really stupid if we were both named Stephen

My 6yo just told me he wants to wear socks with sandals to school tomorrow so I'm going to have to shut that down

Public opinion on laser blasters has shifted, according to a new study by the Pew Pew Pew Research Center.

Long day. Lotta spam.

do i need to go to costco or am i just bored and want free samples

I’m proud of you for drinking water. Was it as awful as you remember?

My workout goals are simple: I'd just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.

Bad enough the cat climbs into the litter box while I'm scooping it but does he have to stare me down while he does

People that back into parking spaces do you know we all hate you?

19 and 22 yr old daughters made delicious fried rice for dinner. It's been quite an ordeal getting them to this point but I think the whole raising kids thing might finally be starting to pay off

The last thing spoken during every family game night is 'THIS IS WHY NO ONE WANTS TO PLAY ANYTHING WITH YOU.'

Why did nobody bother to come up with an English word for cul-de-sac?

I'm now leaving my 'why do I continue to live here' era (every Nov to April)

I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?

A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a cowboy poet.

My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time