Whatever people tell you, sugary treats are actually a fantastic substitute for love and self-esteem.

I always keep a wheel of gorgonzola in my sock drawer in case of emergencies.

Ever worry that the Transformers at war were much more nuanced than anyone knew and we've all just fallen for Autobot propaganda?

Neurotic, but like, sexy neurotic.

But have you tried standing next to a beehive about it?

Nothing but my purest contempt for whoever decreed that all men's shirts should now be short-sleeved. Not everyone has charisma or skills to fall back on, a rolled up shirt-sleeve is an integral part of my appeal.

When weeding, I always leave one weed standing as a witness so it can pass word onto all weeds everywhere what terrible things will happen to them if they dare to enter my garden.

I've stubbed my feelings

Anyone who thinks they never lie to themselves is lying to themselves.

Her: I'm an Instagram model.

Me: I'm a Twitter author.

omg they even ate the bones

I spent years teaching myself to talk to the birds. Turns out, they're fucking idiots.

Whereas every single divorce follows a marriage, only half of marriages come before a divorce.

Really makes you think 🤔

I prefer the simple things in life.
That's why I like you.

Please share in the replies artists you won't be listening to this weekend.

A downside of being in a stable relationship

6 away from 5000 followers!

Job coach: Remember to be enthusiastic at interviews. Show some passion.

[later]
Interviewer: So why do you want to be an undertaker?
Me: I just really like dead bodies. And I mean REALLY LIKE them!

I don't know who started the malicious rumour I'm a mole man, but I'm going to keep digging.

I live my life like I'm a superhero.
- what I tell people when they catch me walking around in just my underpants.