(thinking for 30 seconds after the waiter asked me if I have any questions then finally speaking) Does Salt Bae work here?

I respect Klay going out like that. Just shitting your pants like a clown in front of God and the Kings and everybody. Oh the humanity. This is what life is all about.

Great statement from Asna Tabassum, the student whose words and presence USC found to be ‘a threat to safety’

I wrote on this show check it out on Amazon dot com and also you can buy some amazing products on there if you want

Less talk about Austin Butler, more talk about my awesome butler.

Barnaby (if you’re reading this) just know that you are a legend and are amazing at making cereal 🙌

Just smoked a bowl with Finn Wolfhard.

He’s was cool actually.

He dabbed me up which was awesome.

People make fun of me for hanging with younger guys but I don’t give a fuck.

Oh ok

Tfw ur edible candle company got a deal on Shark Tank but ur scarf-wearing wife still doesnt wanna smash

All of that dude’s Holdovers plagiarism complaints are like “Paul Giamatti eats a SANDWICH on page 36. My lead character sees SAND when he drives near a beach on page 97.”

Pretty rich coming from the guy who literally played Greg Focker’s father-in-law 🙄

Yeah I like West Wing alright. Westwing on the gwound with my fwiends

PERSON SITTING DOWN TO INTERVIEW BRADLEY COOPER: So Bradley was it fun working with—

BRADLEY COOPER: Every night I dream about my mom and my dog kissing

It’s time to turn The White House into The Dwight House #PresidentRainnWilson

LeBron was watching Young Sheldon

You can call me “Thomas Hatin’ Church.” Cuz if my pastor keeps droning on like this I’m gonna have to knock his ass “Sideways”

I hope they don’t get confused and accidentally make one of the Beatles movies about Yoda or something. But if they do that’s ok too

Madame Web is one of the best movies ever about Spiderman’s uncle’s coworker

I bet they're gonna call it The Paramount Peacock+ App 😂

Dick’s Sporting Goods is so wise about dating