Luckily for Messi West Ham are in the market for a forward.

Soucek's got a left leg
That's snapped off at the shin
But he ain't really bothered
Cos it don't belong to him.

#BestDadJoke
Went to the newsagent and asked if my copy of Psychic's Monthly had been delivered yet.
The newsagent said: 'You tell me.'

Right, Mr President, if we can just put these rumours to bed by redoing the test. Please repeat these words in order :
Yosemite
Tucson
Boise
Arkansas
Covfefe
#TrumpStroke

Just finishing off my acceptance letter for this month's Sir Michael award as I have been impeccable in my behaviour towards him . Does anyone know if I sign off with 'Your humble servant', ' Your most obedient servitor', or should it to be something more obsequious?

Jessie Pope's poems were published in The Daily Mail. Good to see the jingoistic torch still being proudly held aloft by this paper in the 21st century. #DailyMail

#ExtendTheLockdown
To paraphrase Robert Strauss:
' Fighting Covid 19 is a little like wrestling a gorilla: you don't give up when you get tired, you give up when the gorilla gets tired.'

#UKlockdown
To all of you who usually make do with Tesco economy bars of soap, how's the Bayley's of Bond Street White Elderflower and Champagne luxurious hand wash going?

#parislasagne
So basically I wandered into a room i later learned was called a kitchen, saw a camera was on, picked up some stuff and just freestyled. And, yes, I did say 11:11 is a lucky number.

#WHUFUL
The only thing wrong with Chico's goal was that it wasn't scored against Liverpool.
Now let's never talk about it again.

#AlitaBattleAngel
She looks quite small.
In fact, you could say Alita is a half-pint.
No, you fuck off.

#LIVEVE
Van Dyke with one of the best assists ever

#TheApprentice
Plan to jet wash the back yard tomorrow. I've got the watering can, but if anyone can lend me a leaf blower I'd be grateful.

#PatisserieWeek
Semi-finals week, and whilst the others sweat it out making patisseries, Rahul sets fire to the tent, kicks back and taps his top pocket to remind the judges where he keeps those dodgy photos of Paul.

Can you believe I haven't had a single professional dancing lesson?

Dear Procol Harum
I thought Fandango was a person. So when you skipped the light I thought you were speeding through traffic. After that, nothing you sang made sense.

#COYI
Ah,well, the only way is up.
Or it would be if there weren't three divisions below this one.

#sixbooksinsixweeks

OK, two down and counting.