And then he crashed into a tree after his wife chased him with a golf club after she found out he was shagging cocktail waitresses.

I see the LIV Bots celebrating the circus visit to Australia, massively contrived in its entertainment value and still lacking in any way of competition. Let’s drink out of a shoe, by Jove.

Is there any way we could get a rowdy crowd of golf fans together on one hole with a lower average IQ than the pissed up farts at the Waste Management Tournament?

Yes, let’s do the same thing in Australia.

Splendid.

In my prime this used to happen to me regularly of a Sunday morning when I got the papers. All credit to me.

I’ll never forget the time the rumour mill was on overdrive about me quitting the Senior Tour for LIV with an estimated one million litres of set custard on the table. A very tempting offer, which broke my heart to turn Greg down. All credit to me.

Name a guy who wouldn't come off the course if his wife was in labor. I'll start.

Scottie Scheffler, he has one less Major than I have, but he could become equally as good as me, all credit to me.

In the mid 2010s I thought Spieth would collect a number of green jackets, Scheffler is on a different planet on this course. He’s gonna need a bigger wardrobe. #themasters

2 immortals doing battle at #themasters   . All credit to me.

Looking very like a #themasters win for Scheffler, this will be the first win for a world no.1 at Augusta since Greg Norman didn’t win in 1996. All credit to him and LIV (still waiting for the call).

My dear chum Darth-Monty is back on X. All credit to him.

Did someone say I was leading? All credit to me.

CSI Augusta.

TweeterAlliss (Parody) (by Jove) Saw that, cmon Monty!

Young Coltart very patriotic as he tells us Monty is in contention. Remarkable.

How can dear Bryson generate any feel with his putting stroke, he looks like someone has placed nipple clamps on his underarm area as he begins to setup. Very robotic by Jove.

Greg Norman hoping and praying for a Bryson victory so he doesn’t have to pay for a Masters ticket next year. Wonderful.

Tyrell misses a put under 8ft and his mic is muted.

One can only imagine how competitive Cam Smith would be in Major tournaments if he hadn’t have joined the LIV circus.

Is Tyrell Hatton leading the Masters in some parallel universe that the Sky Sports production team are existing in?