Thank you to my neighbor and their 8 am pan flute practice schedule. I was running out of reasons to want to die

dropped my drake diss track years ago

kendrick please write on✨drake, the musical!✨

Why hasn't there been any Supreme Court justice assassination attempts?

It's not like there'd be any consequences, we just have to get Alec Baldwin to do it

Finally seeing how many people are grandfathered into the entertainment industry. All these 'just your average guy's and 'girl next door's have parents who were on Broadway & won Emmy's, and I'm over here like 'my dad does electrical work and thinks art is for pussies 🤗'

I have a super bowl every time I get my period

I'm too full to do anything.
But before I was too hungry to do anything.
When am I supposed to do my things?!?!?

Seward Alaska!! Watch your sweet asses because here comes the Best of B4UDie. The Yukon Bar in Seward Saturday April 8th.

Look! All my exes!

My boyfriend suggested I get a dream journal. Little does he know, he is my dream journal ✨

If the Jan 6th people wanted to shut down the government, they shouldn't have had an insurrection. They should have asked them to approve a budget.

I feel like we never gave trump nearly enough shit for being a ginger.

& while all the ginger bullying certainly was not nice, we do have some pretty hard evidence that those fuckers don't have souls...

Merry Christmas to everyone but Chris D’elia

See me in #Reno #Nevada at the Laugh Factory!! Laugh Factory: Reno
Inside the beautiful Silver Legacy Resort

JANUARY 5-8 w/ Alyssa Poteet

ticketsmarter.com/venues/laugh-f…

If we ever reach the end of the world, and there's a bunker for a few survivors to brace the apocalypse in hopes of repopulating the world... we gotta get Nick Cannon in that bunker.

LAX is by far the best dog park in the city

Are you bad with names? Afraid of introducing yourself to someone you've already met?

Don't live in fear & shame! Introduce yourself to EVERYONE.
Strangers + life long friends...Folks will assume it's just a silly little thing you do &won't know you've forgotten their existence.

If you've ever been nice to me & supported me, I will always get you a comp ticket to my shows.
And if you were ever mean to me & doubted me, I will also get you a comp ticket to my shows.
Please come to my shows...

The fact that Kanye isn't under a conservatorship yet means, don't worry America, we can sleep tonight, the patriarchy is alive and well 💙

I helped make this at work 🙌

A squad 4 employees at my gym came over just to tell this dude that he can't be shirtless in the gym, and honestly that's a reasonable amount of preparation and back up to confront an overly confident man