them: life is a gift

also them: [waste quarter of their life telling everyone that life is a gift]

[doorbell rings]

how could this happen to me

The commercial was advising those who think they may suffer from depression to seek a doctor’s input. The author thought the commercial was suggesting he find out if his doctor suffered from depression. twitter.com/duumb/status/9…

duumb Wonder if duumb hit the floor fast as lightening. #TypeaTweet

[opponent rapping about my mom in rap battle]

me: its ok guys my parents are in an open relationship

[pilot announces crash landing]

me: (grabs hand of passenger next to me) do u wanna buy insurance

u can reply 'is this from a simpsons episode' to any tweet. odds are ur probably right

[sigh] this is way toooo real. Catch more 🔥 tweets on #AM2DM 😂

[hires private investigator to find myself]

[high school reunion]

me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes

facebook app: white background
snapchat app: white background
instagram app: white background
twitter app: OMG MY EYES TURN ON NIGHT MODE

[being buried alive]

me: que tu cuerpo es pa darle alegria why cosa buena

hitman: *throwing mud*

me: dale a tu cuerpo alegria, macarena

hitman: *stops throwing mud*

both: hey macarena

dont come down here

twitter.com/MotherOfIncest…

hill

duumb

me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money

commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today

me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression

me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself

her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon

the solar eclipse really damaged my eyes cos i had to switch my twitter app from day mode to night mode and then day mode again

these sunny side up eggs turned out much different from every other time