Last week, I was struck as a pedestrian in a hit and run collision in LA. It was one of the most terrifying moments of my life. I’m still hospitalized and I had surgery on my shoulder to repair a broken humerus and rotator cuff. I appreciate any help. gofund.me/df473a47

my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, actually dude, people working in an office are just pretending they couldn’t totally do this at home

a friend of mine was like 'i feel like you're the type of guy who is so bad with money that you've maxed out multiple credit cards' and it's like, joke's on you, i'm actually the type of guy who is so bad with money that i've never even had a credit card

see something (a little dog on a walk) say something (“why hello to you little sir”)

working a 9-5 job

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my guy friend was like 'i went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means...' and it's like, oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist

people in los angeles will never just tell you they’re spiraling. instead they’ll just start saying stuff like “yea i actually always wanted to go into credit card debt making a web series about a pen and a pencil falling in love”

every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes 'ugh what do they even have in common???' and it's like, idk, maybe that they're both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family

my boss was like 'i feel like you just want to work from home so you can do less work' and it's like, yup, and you just want me to work in the office so i can do more work, this is our game and we are cursed to play it until the judgment day trumpets sound (or i win the lottery)

oh, you’re a “mama’s boy?” name 5 household tasks you pretend you’re incapable of doing yourself

growing up catholic

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i asked my dad why he’s never smoked weed and he said “well, it’s not that i think i’m better than people who do but-” and it’s like, okay, so i immediately know it’s because you think you’re better than people who do

i’m reading a Napoleon book and my friend said “why are you reading about Napoleon? isn’t he a bad guy?” and, it’s like, well i’d love to read about exclusively good guys but you see i’ve already read all the Frog & Toad books and they have yet to write a novel about my grandpapa

powerful stuff

“would you still love me if i was a worm?” would you still love me if i was facing a cavalry charge as an infantry commander and didn’t know to counter with a square formation???