just noticed the knockoff mucinex i’ve been using glows in the dark. fabulous

omg i would be so pissed if i were an air molecule at the top of earth's atmosphere. like bitch when am i gonna get breathed ???

let's face it: i would look amazing w a male ponytail

say what you will about LA but its the #1 city in the world for walking to a gas station, buying a can of diet mountain dew, & then walking next to the freeway

would love to someday live in a house that could get properly raided. you could raid my shit top to bottom in like 5 minutes

SUN 3/17: In a Perfect World
A weekly stand-up show hosted by Natalie Rotter-Laitman, with special guests Anne Lim, Dash Turner, Josh Sharp, and Alison Leiby!

🎟️: tinyurl.com/yr6r48k4

when a flight departs before 11am, it’s typically not god’s plan for me to book that flight

eating a cantaloupe like an apple at the AMC Americana

Watching The Ring video on this so when the girl comes out she breaks her neck

HOT TAKE: nascar races should be like marathons. thousands of middle aged drivers should be allowed to take their cars onto the track & finish hours after the pros

single guys deserve 30% off at best buy on valentine’s day. we are the backbone of this country

the center of an amy's microwave burrito after 45 minutes in the microwave

babe i actually think it’s GOOD that every post now is just a years-old screenshot of a tweet within a quote tweet

LOVING these doll heads glued to the bottom of an LA freeway overpass 😍🙌

this is the scariest youtube comment of all time

honey i’m NOT wearing my seatbelt on the airplane. it’s school bus rules bitch. i’m throwing a milk carton at the pilot

LA! come see my half hour at The Elysian next Thursday

with
Dash Turner
Carmen Christopher
Sam Taggart

elysiantheater.com/shows/courtney…

honey i eat the silica gel every time

i took dutch in college because it was “basically english” and managed to get a B every semester. only student in the class not to get an A. single digit IQ

unfortunately i think i could make poaching & big-game hunting chic. and i could probably decolonize it